I feel absolutely crap today. I am overwhelmed with a deep sense of disapointment and sadness with almost everyone. It can be hard to continue to exist with yourself when you constantly crave love and affirmation. Skeet confirmed this morning that the children will not sleep over and Iggy spent the morning sobbing and sitting in the front hall way and I couldn't get him to school for an hour. Quinn sat in the car and watched him deep and thoughtful, eyes never turning away, staring.
Of course my family, who are mostly selfish and self absorbed have always been very conditional with their love and attentions, they never ever put themselves out for anybody and unfortunately, I am made with the wrong conditions in my makeup, Antarctic to their tropic, desert to their river, poor to their rich.
So any let down, or perceived slight; being left out (again mum) leaves me very alone, as always.
Hamish is very sick again and this time it is harder to break through and reach him; he has sunk my spirits so low this time that I am finding it hard to stand up. His constant need and desperation, his sadness and regret suffocate me.
My husband is pursued by the black dog and the door is nearly broken through. We can't open a window in case he gets in, so there is no light, there is no sunshine. I am worn and starving fr some relief and there is no one to save us. Now Iggy is succumbing to the darkness and Quinn and I watch the others drown weak ourselves with the exhausting sadness of it all. I didn't see it coming this time. It has been a slow ebb to hell without me even realising it was happening. We can't seem to get out of the house.
